Short summary of my summer thus far before I sleep. Thank you to Matthew for our conversation this past evening. These past few weeks, I know that God is trying to open my eyes, my heart, and reveal His almighty Self to me. I’ve felt as if I’ve been living in solitude, praying here and there, but not fully dwelling on the Father Himself. Moving off campus, handling bills for the first time, stressing out over such things, has made me possess an extremely negative outlook and attitude on life recently. I’ve been having more consecutive nightmares in close proximity to one another, and I feel as if these bad dreams are a reflection of my negative, dark attitude this summer. This past week, I’ve never felt so alone, so solitary, so distant from everyone and everything. I’ve become so dependent, so attached to the secular world, to the few individuals around me. When God stripped me of this world, isolated me from it as He did so this past week, I became disillusioned and felt as if there was this void within me. Satan did all that he could to make me feel this way, to desire to do everything and anything else except fall on my knees and come to God. Yesterday, I went shopping downtown all by myself, took the city bus to the thrift store and back, bought things, trying to fill this imaginary void, and realizing at the end of the day I felt just as, if not more, dissatisfied, lonely, ashamed. To make the story short for now, I know God wants me to turn to Him, to seek refuge in Him alone, not transient worldly things/people. I am deeply sorry for hurting the few individuals out there with my selfishness. This is a difficult battle, and I am continuously praying for my triumph with my Lord over Satan and all his evil doings.
I’ve started up on Luke again this past week, and it seems as if every single snippet that I read every night, simply pertains to my current situation and walk with God. In Luke chapter 3, it talks about Jesus’ temptation in the desert for 40 days by the devil. Dwelling on it, the Holy Spirit was the one who led Jesus into the desert, to be tempted. In the study notes, it noted that sometimes we as Christians/new believers have this mindset that the Holy Spirit will lead us into calm waters, when in fact that is not always the case. What the devil’s temptations and Jesus’ replies/reactions show is that we have to possess both knowledge of and obey Scripture. Satan knows Scripture just as much as we do, so the fact that we know it makes no difference if we don’t obey it. It is when we follow and live by the Word, that we can be on the offense in wearing our armor. God, You are amazing. Even though I know about the trinity, it can be difficult to fully grasp. Today’s reading was able to help me understand You more, to know Jesus’ trials more, and the importance of Your Word. May you continue to truly bless me, guide me, protect me and all those around me.